Bill Buchan's Blog

 
(via the infamous Zeb. Sometimes people need to be reminded of the Scots dialect and its ability to amuse)

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography..?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

My old blingmaster XPS laptop - a £4,500 10kg monster of a gaming laptop, is now resigned to being a Vista-based client vpn-access machine. A huge waste of a lovely machine, but there you have it. 

As usual, Microsoft update reboots the machine most nights with the pleasant 'we had to fix it, we rebooted, hope you didnt lose anything, loser' message. 

A few days ago - what appeared on the scene but Vista Service Pack 2. Nice one. Just what Vista needs - a shedload of fixes. Update away, I merrily clicked.

Ah. Now the damn machine refuses to start. I now have another wasted few hours recovering from this mess.

Is it any wonder I evangelise Macintosh? Do you wonder why I use pictures of Ballmer and Gates on my rifle shooting target ? 

Who on earth in Microsoft thinks its a good idea to release service packs that can destroy machines? What complete blithering idiot things this is *cool*. Or desireable?

Bunch of clucking funts.

N.B. I know, I know. Your sitting there wondering how a cool and froody guy like me is running Vista. Yes. Well There's another piece of distended donkey rectum product called Juniper Remote Desktop, which makes a chocolate fireguard look like a robust piece of kit. And it only supports shit operating systems (xp, Vista) and shit browsers (IE6, IE7). I'm not making this up. So I have to keep a steaming pile of turd in my office, else I don't get to work from home. 

I was a big fan of the original Edge of Darkness - a BBC thiller shot when I was young. Dark, moody, violent, bloody. I was wondering how a big-budget Hollywood version would work. Go get the DVD's from Amazon. Go on. I dare you. Hell, I *double* dare you.

Dont get me wrong. I love me cinema. But Hollywood appears to be heading for lowest-common-demoninator films - such as the Dan Brown drivel - stopping every 5 minutes for a plot recap. Or more bloody animated unicorns or whatnot. I love Pixar, but you know, it'd be good to get something that you actually had to think about (So not Norbert). Something that made you think. 

And this is why I was scared. Did Edge of Darkness have a musical number ? Was there a group-hug in the middle? Did they change the ending to make it happier? Were the bad guys not really bad? Was Jedburgh made sane ? 

I'm more than happy to report that Mel "Braveheart" Gibson did an awesome job. He could have cranked back on the 'Mad Max' persona a *bit*, but hey - it was gripping stuff. Stuff that made you care. Violent bloody, horrific even - as only he can make it. And it'll have you wondering about the 'Got Milk' Ads (in the US). 

Go see it. 

Its been 33 days since I started dieting properly. And in that time, I've been in London 3 times (3 days each), Orlando for 7 days, and Vegas for four days. Not a good time to try and lose weight, or give up drinking, but hey - progress is being made.

I've lost about 17 pounds (8kg) since I started, and drank in 33 days what I would have normally drank in a week. I was even able to run - not walk, hobble or limp - for 10 minutes on the treadmill yesterday, keeping my heart rate under 150bpm. 

Another 49 pounds to go...