From Part 2..

Saturday 25th September. 240 miles.

"I wish I was - homeward bound"

A quick blast home. Well, not quite. A few faff-stops cos it was still quite gusty north of Newcastle. Got north of the border, did a quick chain-oil (nightmare without a centerstand, believe me), and then did a solid 120m burn to Stirling. Big Mac and Fries, then a quick burn home. Lovely. Home by 3pm, in the bath, and fell asleep on the sofa.

Bliss.

Washed the bike, patted her dry, and put her back in her garage. Lovely machine. 14 years old, and still flies. And when I remember to oil her chain, she's sweet. The best grins that £1,500 can buy.

The Footnotes

Track Listing on the MP3 player. My daughters wee memory stick MP3 player only has 128mb of Ram. I really want/need an iPod. But even I dont earn that much. So these were the tracks:

• Meatloaf. Bat out of Hell. Call me old. I know all the words, and sing along.
• Talking Heads - Road to nowhere. Usually came on when we were lost.
• The Lara Croft movie sountrack. (okay, the music is shite, but it reminds me of Angelina Jolie..)
  • Wheres your head at. Yeah. I mean it - cold, wet, tired, and just miles of endless autobahn. A question I asked myself often.
  • Speedballin. A truly terrible tune.Nauseating. I hated it after just one play.
  • U2. Elevation. Cracking tune. Especially when traversing these incredible alpine bridges..
• Red Hot Chilli Peppers
  • Californication. Of course.
  • Road Trippin. Cos it raised a smile on the bleakest moments. "Me and my two allies. Loaded up with snacks and supplies..."
• All Saints. The Bridge. Musically mundane, but hell, I remember the video and the Appleton sisters..
• ZZ Top. Sharp Dressed man. This was to be JVS's tune. But by Monday morning, it was more "pulled through a hedge backwards".

Ironically, as I type this, Meatloaf's "Took the words right out of my mouth" is playing in the bar of the Pierre Hotel, Eindhoven. Oh - and they're playing Ultravox "Vienna". One of my faves. Not cos its much good, but because I could play the Viola (A fat volin) track in a band. Cool

Tip: do NOT take these few tracks on a long trip. Take an iPod. Whatever. Even if it means a support convoy following you with batteries. Seriously.

I Testify

I testify

• That JVS/Johnny actually did this. Be proud, Johnny. I couldnt have done this in the first year I had a bike. I could never have done this on a 400cc city-racer. My back would have siezed just sitting in that damn seat for hours on end. Seriously. The lad done good.
• That JVS did NOT slow down. Ever. Period. I even had to tell him to slow down at one stage. Cos 90mph is not a long-distance cruising speed.
• JVS did NOT abuse the radio and talk all the time. I did. I know, its surprising.
• You cannot buy motorcycle heavy duty chain oil from a service station on the Autobahn in Germany, and certainly not in Switzerland.
• Switzerland is:
  • Incredibly pretty
  • Very very rich.
  • Full of fabulous looking girls.
  • Shut on a sunday.

Faffing

Faffing is the art of taking a long time to do something. Such as get ready for a bike journey. Or turning a 10 minute "fuel, piss, fag, and go" stop into a 70 minute adventure in boredom.

Faffing is fun, both for the faffer, and the faffee. Some faffs are cover stories for "I'm cold, and I want to warm up", "I'm tired and need a rest", or "Christ, I'm sick of this".

Here's a guide to how to faff properly. Really Olympic level faffing:

• Go on a 1,600 mile journey without correct chain oil, without back disk pads, and without a device to lock the bike up with. Yes. I did it all. Proud owner now of two disc-locks.
• Buy a motorcycle jacket that involves buttons, studs velcro, glue and feathers. One that takes at least two minutes to put on. One that needs a 15-point checklist.
• A helmet with an "old" chin-strap - a "loop around and stud" job. Takes hours to fasten. As opposed to just about every other helmet on the planet, which has a clip. Compare one minute with 5 seconds, and you can see the faffing potential.
• Buy a helmet at least a size too small for yourself. So that you have to drag it down over your head. Seriously hilarious for everyone else. Especially if there's a spot on your eye that seems to expand and touch your visor. Then, just to make it even more fun for bystanders, stick in speakers and microphone for an intercom system that reduces ear-clearance. And then wonder why the inside of the helmet is covered in blood. Hilarious.
• Clean your visor with a tissue soaked in Alloe Vera. Fantastic rainbow and smear effect, especially when mixed with rain and flies. Takes hours to get rid of.
• Putting on a fog-guard anti-mist system on a visor you have just cleaned with Alloe Vera. Trapping a layer of the gunk between plastic and visor
• Buying a set of gloves that have velcro and button straps, so you spend at least a minute studding them up.
• Running a 400cc bike at 8,000 rpm for 36 hours and wondering why its burning oil. Or cutting out. And then spending 10 minutes at every stop center-standing, waiting, topping up, etc.
• Forgetting to put the oil plug back on your bike
• Forgetting to do up your chin-strap, so you have to stop to do it again.
• Nicking your mates cigarette lighter, then putting it at the bottom of the luggage, so you have to unpack and repack on every stop.
• Forgetting to put your sidestand up, so you stall every time you put the bike in 1st. Classic.
• Dribbling down the slip-road of an autobahn (where cars are doing at least 120kp/h, 80mph) at 30mph, and trying to filter in. So that your mate(s) spend the next 15 miles waiting for you to catch up.
• Buying a fiddly Autocom bike to bike system., With lots of cables, that extend the time it takes to put a jacket on.
• Compounding a fiddly bike intercom system with fiddly radios that require charging. Fantastic faffing that. Especially when the Kenwood walkie-talkes run out of battery, and just bleep at you. Continuously. At high volume. Thanks.
• Leaving your UK to Euro-plug adaptor in a French hotel, so you mate has to try charging two radios using one adaptor. Wire the sodding radios into the bike!
• Not setting your fiddly autocom system up in advance so you spend two days deafining your buddies when it cuts in when you fart. And draining the battery on the walkie-talkies.
• Spending every stop adjusting the position of the speakers in your helmet. So that on day TWO, you find that you can hear best when they're over your ears. As opposed to over your forehead, etc. Classic.
• Putting the mike so close to your mouth that it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher from the Peanuts movie. Almost a thousand quids worth of electronics rendered useless.
• Luggage. Getting a completely impractiable bag, which is then unpacked at almost every stop, and requires two of you to pull the cargo net over.
• Using Microsoft Mappoint for directions. That dont work. Spend the money for a talking GPS system and plug it into the Autocom.
• Wearing a computer backpack. It makes your shoulders sore after a while, and then you have to stop and faff.
• Trying to oil your chain in a lay-by without a center stand. Which involves oiling the visibile bit, then moving the bike forward. Over the oil you've just laid down on the tarmac. Then spending 20 minutes with your last two remaining tissues trying to scrape very sticky chain oil off your back tyre. Get a scottoiler instead.
• Smoking. Which involves getting off the bike, remembering to unclip the autocom cable, taking your helmet off, patting all pockets and rummaging around the tank bag for cigarettes and lighter. Beating up mate for stealing lighter. Smoking. Then reversing that whole procedure to get going again.

(Oh - on a positive note - a good anti-faff petrol station guide is to park all bikes beside one pump, and fill them all up in one go. Then one guy has to pay. Really cuts down on time. Just alternate who pays. Secondary benefit - one person is with the bikes and stuff at all times, reducing the possibilty of theft.)

Now. It sounds like I'm having a pop at the lad. Not at all. Over half of these faffs were mine. I know JVS very well, and when he suggested that we do this, I agreed.

So who's the fool ? I cant possibly take it out on him for being a novice - everyone is at some point. And remember - big respect, almost 2,000km of riding in four days. Nor can I shout at him for my possibly poor judgement. So I have to take it on the chin. He faffed, because he's not done this before. And to be quite honest, neither have I. I just have really impatient mates who beat me around the head a lot.

And I have to apologise.

To everyone I've ever ridden with, for every single one of these crimes (and more), and to thank them for their patience. Thanks. Its not till you ride with someone with even less experience than yourself that your realise that you get back what is put in.

Thanks. Now I get it.