Arquiva Super Speedy 'Ultimate' Internet at the Premier Inn...

To: CEO Premier Inn UK, 
cc: CEO Arquiva, UK

This week, I checked in as usual to the Premier Inn to find that the wifi had been upgraded. 

Fantastic, I thought. ‘Speedy!’ Excellent.

So I purchased the ‘Super Speedy Ultimate Wifi’ package, as I do a lot of work from my hotel room.

And I found that it ran at a super-speedy.. Oh, wait.

  • BT’s ‘Fibre to the premises’ runs at 300mb/s
  • BT Infinity runs at 80mb/s
  • BT’s definition of super-fast internet is 25mb
  • The US governments recent definition of a minimum internet speed is 25mb/s
  • I run a wireless internet service provider where my BASIC package offers 10mb/s
  • OFCOM’s definition of a basic service is 4mb/s

Super Speedy Ultimate Wifi at the Premier Inn, [REDACTED], runs at 


Which was, I guess, super-speedy FIFTEEN YEARS AGO.

I work in [REDACTED], and was about to book my next 13 weeks of accomodation at the Premier Inn, [REDACTED]. But.

Since I do a lot of work from my hotel room, and may wish to stream TV (which requires a minimum of 4mb/s), I’m now reconsidering this. I’m actually considering moving back to Stalag Luft Travelodge, where the internet grinds along at a ‘THREE TIMES SUPER SPEEDY RATE’ of 7.5mb/s. Which is also what I get off my Three mobile phone.

Quick question. Are you serious? Really?

And [REDACTED]? The place is overran with seriously talented network guys like myself. I mean. Pick somewhere where every other guest isn’t a technical genius. 

So here’s the deal. If I hear nothing (as I fully expect), or you cannot confirm that this is just a huge mistake and should be FAR faster, then I shall find alternative accomodation. 

Somewhere with Super Speedy Internet Access.

I await your response,

—* Bill Buchan

P.S. Your customer support doesn’t have an email address, and I’m not paying 10p per MINUTE to talk to some call center about this. Your address was the next one to pop out of google. You might want to reconsider this.

P.P.S. Arquiva. Shame on you for even implementing this.



Someone responded to the email sent  the CEO's account and we had a nice chat.

me: So, its slow. Unusable. Whats wrong? I got 6+mb/s the week before.

him: Ah. We've decided to make the internet speed across ALL Premier Inn's consistent...

me: So you've made them all slow - 2.5mb.

him: Yes, for consistency. 

me: Business Suicide...


Irony: I'm typing this in at the Holiday Inn, where their free internet is 40% faster than the Ultimate Super-Speedy £15/week Premier Inn internet. And the Holiday Inn has a 24-hour bar.