Jokes only understood in Scotland

 
(via the infamous Zeb. Sometimes people need to be reminded of the Scots dialect and its ability to amuse)

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography..?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

Comments

[Volker Weber]

You are right. I did not understand one of them. ;-)

[Bill Buchan]

;-)

---* Bill

[Frank]

LOL. I haven't heard the muskateer joke in ages.

[Duffbert]

I got the tartan and cow jokes... I must have SOME level of Scottish blood in me!

[Warren Elsmore]

and I got all of them.... the assimilation must be complete!

[Chris Linfoot]

Willie is at the queen's garden party when the queen approaches him and says, "Willie, would you like a cucumber sandwich, or a merangue?"

Willie replies, "nah, you're reet - I would like a cucumber sandwich."

[Bill]

Chris - nice one.. ;-)

---* Bill

[Bill]

A posh Aberdonian Quine is showing her mother the new baby:

"And fit yi ganna ca' 'im" ?

"Nathan"

"Na, quine, yi hive ti ca' him something!"

---* Bill

[Bill]

People often wonder why Aberdeen is called 'Furry Boot City'. Till a native accosts them and demands:

'Furryboot ye fae?"

---* Bill

[Alan]

Chris kind of beat me to the punch, almost . . . .

Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

Nah yer right it's a doughnut.

[Zeb]

I think the Nathan joke actually works better in Belfast

[Anne]

How do you tell which cow's on holiday?

It's the one with the wee calf.